I have to be honest, even if I'm not proud to say, it was really hard for me to show up to my practice last week. Really hard. I sometimes seesaw between cutting myself a break and discipline or routine. By seesaw, I mean I run from one end of the seesaw to the other.
Last weekend, I took a break. I skipped one class for hot chocolate and a movie, and then I missed two. I practiced a little on my own between running a million errands and juggling ten events. Then I skipped practicing the whole weekend. I partied a little too hard. I ate like my freshman year of college. And that Monday, I felt like crap.
When the real world resumed, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to class. I took all of these days off of practicing, I cut ties with my routine, and I couldn't imagine showing up. How much did my body change? Is it possible I put on 10 pounds? What if I didn't feel good moving? Rigid, stuck, and tense? What if I didn't feel as flexible because of this break I took? What was I thinking, taking such a long break? What if I don't look good? What if someone else notices that I'm having a hard time?
Could I show up and be enough as I am on that day?
I spun in the thoughts, driving myself a little crazy. Maybe being a little hard on myself.
I had another cup of coffee and a protein bar. I decided to go, dragging myself to the studio one step at a time. I chose a spot in the back of the room. I kept my head down before the class started. I was tired just making it that far.
The class began. I started to breathe. I started move.
It felt like a sunrise, with a dim, small light in a distance. Slowly that light grew bigger and brighter, and that big, bright light took over the sky. I was on fire. I was alive. I was breathing! It was amazing. All of those thoughts I let spin me around, and I showed up for myself anyhow.
What happens when you show up when you don't want to? Can you practice when you don't feel like you're enough? Can you soften some of those harsh thoughts and find strength within to move?
It is hard to show up to practice some days. I get it. A lot of people do, too. No one is exempt of that challenge.
What about the big picture? If you can show up here, if you can work through those thoughts and make it happen, where else can you show up for yourself? Life gives us plenty of opportunities to back down or run away. Granted, deciding whether to take a single yoga class or not will likely not change my entire life, but what we practice on our mat we carry to our life off the mat. If you can show up for yourself for a class, imagine where else you can show up for yourself. Imagine what else you can face.
So show up. It's hard and so we keep practicing it. See what happens. You are enough.
See you in the sunshine, yogis!